the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
