Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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