we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
