My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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