I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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