Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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