tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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