If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
