remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
