you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
