dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
