I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
