Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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