I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dignity is for republicans.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize