I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
