what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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