I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Enjoy the penises
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
