you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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