I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
