working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize