We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he was CRYING into my vagina
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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