I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
