i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
