My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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