If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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