you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Pooping to opera.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
