someone threw a dead crab at me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize