According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
