I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
