Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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