I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
