We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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