Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
