Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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