yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
