omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
