I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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