Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
