why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
