On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
