you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize