she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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