I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
