It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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