I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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