just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
