saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
