I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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