i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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