okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
