Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
