The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
