I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
