I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
