90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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