Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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