I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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