For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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