i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
