I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
