Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
