I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize