I have demons in me.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I enjoy the company of your penis
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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