I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
