I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
