Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
